Atman is the ever present reality. Yet, because of ignorance it is not realized. On destruction of ignorance Self is realized. - Sri. Adi Shankaracharya
Thousands of thoughts run through our mind every day. Some of them are helpful, and some of them aren’t.
Never take your thoughts too seriously or you will get into trouble- though I have knew this rationally but I practiced just the opposite. I believed in my thoughts very seriously particularly those which were drilled ingrained into me by my family and community consciously and unconsciously.
My mind was heavily conditioned by family life style, sensual desires, and from certain childhood trauma. My mind was preoccupied by thoughts of pleasing and obeying parents, imagining and longing for fulfilling partnerships, to be accepted by certain social circles, people whom I thought were special. Craving to be like others, wanting what others had, such as their apparent happy relationships. For desire of acceptance ego would pretend manipulate and imitate others and impress others. But could not sustain the artificiality for long as it was against my true nature. All attempts to acquire egocentric pleasure and desires eventually resulted in rejection, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, misery and suffering; it was self-deception. And, even most of the fulfilled desires and wishes after brief happiness ended in heart break and torment.
In contrast, there was another version of ego, was totally disinterested in acquiring material possessions, no goals or ambitions in earning name or fame, socializing, have been a minimalist. I am a born rebel, refused to comply with social norms and conventions tradition values, which I thought were senseless. Not much of a conversationalist, I have always been uncomfortable felt suffocated around people and gatherings, would withdraw into solitude periodically preferred to be in myself. This was my natural behavior but people interpreted it as moodiness, unpredictable, unfriendly, pride, and freak, weirdo, and I was shunned. From a very early age I had experienced something strange within, glimpses of inner silence, space like openness, where I would retreat frequently. I had no idea about the significance of these experiences and few times was worried about the blankness then thought these to be normal as it did no harm. Although I had basic or generic knowledge of Hindu and Buddhist philosophy and spirituality.
The strong ego mind was running the show was bouncing between illusion and the truth of life, egocentricity and altruism. The ego was under the grip of the illusory world being utterly confused and hopeless, yet everything seemed fine, “all is part of life”. The mask of personality and ignorance was too thick that it was obscuring the Truth, my true Self which was right there just waiting to reveal itself.
The natural ebb and flow of life started to shift and there was an inner calling. It led me to books on Buddhist teaching, Sri Shankaracharya-Advaita, Sri Ramana, Sri Nisargadutta, and many other teachers and enlightened masters. There arose an urge to meditate daily. Meditation helped in recognizing and knowledge of true being, awareness of thoughts and realization that thoughts are not me. The space between thoughts and distancing from thoughts started to occur. It was like a dry leaf blown away by the wind -I was carried to the inward path where I was meant to be. It was effortless, spontaneous, doubtless and fearless phenomenon. I was in contemplation and just let it go with the flow. Life was my guide and guru.
I listened and contemplated on the teachings and the experiences (Shravana and Manana, Listening and contemplating). I was confused with teachings of I am, consciousness, beingness, witness experiencer, as I already had been experiencing some of it since a very young age. Hence, I was doubtful about my practice and understating.
At this point, thoughts slowed down the nature to thoughts was becoming evident. My already simple life was pruning itself. All that was unnecessary, unwanted objects, thoughts, relationships, interactions were disappearing. Being mindful my practice continued the awareness realization started to light-up and it became more conspicuous as ignorance was dissipating. Various insights and experiences in waking and dream state were occurring. The barrier between inside and outside dissolved and it felt like something had cracked open into empty aware openness.
But still the impact of thoughts persisted. The strong hold of memories and attachment specific conditioned thoughts, stories, believing them to be the utmost truth were causing unpleasant feelings and suffering. However, temptations and desires were dwindling.
It also made sense that thoughts are just a story we tell yourself to make sense of the world. It’s all based on your interpretation of the world around you. Not some universal truth about reality.
I never discussed my experiences and practice with anybody until recently a teacher, a guide was introduced with whom I shared all of my life story and experiences. My main concern was the burden of thoughts that were weighing down on me causing emotional pain and suffering. Their assessment and advice was on target-, “stop taking your thoughts seriously and it is time let go off your attachment to your family!” That did it; sitting and contemplating on my teacher’s advice made swift progression on the path. It created the breakthrough to dispel the impurities and ignorance. The impact of thoughts weakened, the obsessive, repetitive, flimsy nature and fakeness of all that is arising became obvious. I also realized that thoughts were arising spontaneously and I am is not the thinker and not the doer. There is no personality, no separate me, no egoic self. I am is awareness that is the observer or experiencer of thoughts. Observing mindfully, space between thoughts and empty space lacking objects is experienced. This gives the ability to be selective of thoughts.
My true eternal Self or Atma is I am, the essence, cognizing presence, spacious awareness consciousness, inner silence, emptiness, beingness call it any name. It is this I am my authentic self which is formless, unbounded, clear empty presence, silent witness. It is indescribable, beyond understanding and grasp of the mind. As the mind turns inwards and rests in the Self, this is truth, love, peace, joy, compassion, and boundless happiness and bliss. This is the ultimate Truth of Seeking.
On realizing the truth, identity shifts from the ego to the True Self. When we are no longer identified with the egoic mind, any judgements, evaluations, stories, or points of view that still arise in the mind are seen for what they are, and they stop shaping the reality.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.- Confucius.
After transformation, I am experiencer watching life flowing, life happening, and mind chatter. But the effect of the ego mind activity has considerable reduced. Being aware and not involving in the arising of mental afflictions, tendencies, impurities burn and clear the deep rooted imprints. Being aligned, life is now much freer, simpler, calm, contented, and peaceful.
I revere and bow to all scriptures, all those beings and circumstances, all teachers, mentors, guides, who contributed for the transformation and realization of my True Self.
Under the guidance of my guru, may this flowing knowledge dispel ignorance and suffering all beings; just as a lamp dispels darkness!
Your own self-realization is the greatest service you can render the world. -Sri Ramana Maharshi.
Thank You.